Chugging Halo 3 “Limited Edition Mountain Dew Game Fuel”

I was walking the family dog a few weeks ago when just a block away from us, I saw this guerrilla advertising campaign:  Two stapled posters attached back to back enveloping the midsection of a lamp post.  Each was a mixture of odd fonts and monotone colors.  Great, I thought.  Another down and dirty ad campaign to "reach out to the peeps" and "get down with the hood".  L-A-M-E.

GameFuel1 Then I noticed:  It’s an ad for Halo 3 "Limited Edition Mountain Dew Game Fuel" telling people to go to their local convenience stores to buy a bottle.  Translation:  It’s Microsoft’s own co-marketed ad.  Oops.  Admittedly, I’d never even heard of the stuff.  According to the poster, it came in 16 ounce plastic bottles and special ‘limited edition’ aluminum bottles, all with Bungie designs on them.  Cool.

Well, it turns out the poster was one of about 6 populating the area.  So I walked the 30 feet around the corner to the local 7-11 to see if they had some of it.  They didn’t.  Now I’m a little pissed.  Here they have an ad for this stuff and yet the stupid 7-11 doesn’t even sell the beverage.

I pack the pooch up in the car and we drive to a couple other locations.  No Game Fuel.  To be fair, they apparently sold out at two locations.  Fair enough.  I finally saddled up and went to the largest 7-11 I knew of:  A store next to my old apartment 5 block away.  And sure enough:  Much Game Fuel was to be had there.  I bought 6 bottles.  Might as well give it a solid shot, right?  I drank a bottle as I went home.

SLURP.  Mmm.  This stuff is tasty. 

Seriously.  It’s no wonder that this thing is selling at convenience stores.  It reminds me of a Cherry Slurpee without the ice particles.  Y’know the good tasting stuff at the bottom of a Slurpee or an Icee?  That’s what this stuff taste like – except you get a whole bottle of tongue-reddening goodness.  And yes, all Halo marketing hype aside, I found it eerily compelling to drink.  I kept opening up the bottle again to take "one last swig".  It’s been a long time since I drank a sugar-ed up carbonated soda so this had the predictable result of getting me so amped and wired up, I buzzed through the day at Warp factor 5… gotta remember this stuff the next time I need to be productive.  Then I looked at the ingredients.

One bottle:  72g Sugar.

HOLY SH-T.  Are you f-ing kidding me?  72g of sugar?  Whaddyamean 72g?  As in 72 ACTUAL GRAMS?  Being that I’m supposed to be on a diet of sorts for what is hopefully a temporary medical condition, I don’t consume much more than 50g total of any kind of carb in a single day, much less 72g of raw sugar from a single bottle.  Jesus mother of mercy – 72g is like the sugar bomb you drop on your 6 year old nephew when the cable is out and you want to see some live action entertainment.

To put this into perspective, a single serving package of Oreo cookies (Mmm.  Oreo cookies.  These are some of the magical snacks that keep the Microsoft contigent wired throughout the day.  Ironically though – we get all-you-can-drink beverages but no Game Fuel in the company cooler.  Sad.) with 6 cookies in it has 22g of carb loaded sugar. 

Doing the math… carrying the ‘one’… That means that you could eat 21 Oreos and still not get the same quantity of sugar as in a single bottle of Game Fuel.

I found myself looking at the bottle going:  How do you liquify that much frickin’ sugar into a single bottle of liquid?  Not only is this stuff space-age colored and Halo3-packaged but it’s got a carb count that’s ‘out-of-this-world’!  (I’m sorry.  That’s awful.  I apologize.  It won’t happen again.  At least until the next post.)

Now if you’ll permit me, I’m going to the refrigerator to go get some hype juice.  Only 2 1/2 days left until Halo 3 and with the UCLA vs Washington football game going on today, I need to get a caffeine/sugar buzz on that’s gonna sustain me for the next 72 hours.

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