Gratuitously stolen from:
Officer NCAA: License and registration, please. Do you know how fast you were going?
USC: Uh…55. I’m sure of it.
NCAA: Yeah, try 90 in a 55 zone.
USC: No, I’m sure I was going 55. And you can’t prove otherwise.
NCAA: Well, I have you clocked on my radar gun at…
USC: Okay, okay, maybe I was going too fast. It won’t happen again. I promise. See? I’ll even let Lane Kiffen drive. He NEVER speeds.
NCAA: Sorry, still going to have to give you a ticket.
USC: But I didn’t know I was speeding!!?!?
NCAA: Did you look at your speedometer?
USC: Uh…well, I don’t really have a working speedometer…
NCAA: Well, then, that’s your fault. You lack automobile control.
USC: But that’s not fair! Look, NCAA, my tax dollars pay your salary. In fact, I’m a major taxpayer. So you better watch out…
NCAA: Yeah, we’re not buying that. You aren’t as important as you think you are.
USC: But everyone else speeds too! Nobody drives under the speed limit around here. Don’t be naive.
NCAA: Yes, I know that you aren’t the only one speeding. But you were the most blatant one on the road, and that’s why I pulled you over.
USC: But what about the Ohio State car? And the Auburn car? They were going really fast too! Didn’t you see them?!?
NCAA: Yeah, we’re writing up Ohio State right now. And we have our eye on Auburn…if they keep driving like maniacs they’re going to get caught. Don’t worry about them.
USC: Yeah, right! You’re just singling me out for punishment. You want to make an example of me because I’m really important and a very big deal. I’m the best driver on the road and everyone just wants me to fail because they are HATERS!
NCAA: Uhhh…yeah. Whatever. Here’s your ticket.
USC: I can’t believe how arrogant you are! What makes you think you have the right to do this to me?
NCAA: Well, you were driving. On the road. With all the other cars. And my job is to enforce the laws on the road. So, if you don’t want to be subject to my authority, then stay off the road.
USC: But I know a bunch of other people who were caught speeding. And you didn’t give them such a harsh ticket.
NCAA: Yeah, usually when people cooperate with me and don’t give me a hard time when I’m writing up their ticket, I’ll write the ticket down a bit. But when people act like a-holes, I throw the book at them. Pretty much common sense.
USC: F you! We’re going to fight this!
NCAA: Great. See you in court.
USC: But…but…this is UNFAIR!?!
NCAA: Have a nice day. And slow it down. Maybe you ought to let Haden drive.
USC: Pssshh. This sucks. Reggie, get out of our backseat. You’re walking home. This is all your fault.